


Ides of March

by Kammyh



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Drama, England isn't any better, Fluff, France is a prankster at heart, Humor, M/M, Misuse of Politics, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 16:55:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30109122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kammyh/pseuds/Kammyh
Summary: France plans a prank on Germany and England wants to know everything about it.
Relationships: England/France (Hetalia)
Kudos: 5





	Ides of March

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia, I just own an unhealthy devotion to France as a nation and its history. English is not my mother language and neither is French, any constructive criticism is appreciated.  
> Warnings: France is going to speak random French because… well, he’s France. This drabble came to life because of a discord chat with Stars of Yaoi/Lacertae in which I sent her news about the vaccines and she answered back with memes from Tumblr on the 15th of March.

Inside England’s London mansion, France was happily texting, his back resting against the bedrest and his legs crouched to his chest in order to give some support to the smartphone he was using. This was until the door to the bedroom he shared with his consort was loudly blasted open, and said consort irrupted inside, staring angrily at the French nation.

“France! _I_ am the one who’s going to behead you _this time_!!” England yelled at him, before slamming the door shut behind himself just as loudly. “Just tell me _what you want_ to stop this revolt against my vaccines and let’s get over with it!!”

“Those are not just _your_ vaccines, _Angleterre_ ,” France answered him amiably, not even bothering to look up from the screen of his mobile. “And strangely enough I’m not behind it, at the moment. I’m one of the few that didn’t stop his orders completely.”

“Don’t lie to me, France. I have full access to my import and export data as well as yours.”

England then slammed the papers he was holding at France’s feet, hoping to get a reaction from his lover. And a reaction he earned indeed, as France simply bent slightly over to look at the documents England was showing him, before resting his back once again against the bedrest.

“I have the same access to our data as well, you know? Those are from last week.”

“What?” England asked his lover, who eventually put aside his smartphone with an overdramatic sigh to get on all fours and reach for the documents in front of him. Then, he just turned the first page of the pile and resumed his previous sitting position and his quick texting.

“As you can see, I suspended temporarily those for the public service but I allowed in the ones for the private sector.”

England green eyes widened in shock at France’s explanation, but as he paid proper attention to the data written on the page now in front of his eyes, he could only confirm that his husband was completely right.

“Why would you even do something like that?”

“I _need_ the vaccines.” France answered plainly, his eyes still low on his phone as he kept tapping on the luminous screen, something that irked England even more than having to admit that his lover was right on something.

“Who are you even writing to? Are they so important that you can’t stop five minutes to properly quarrel with your _husband_?” England asked eventually, his voice sounding annoyed but also quite evidently hurt.

France answered to his recrimination simply grinning up at him, his blue eyes shining in pure mischief.

“If I wanted to properly quarrel with you, I would have suspended all the orders, wouldn’t I?”

Despite feeling completely captivated by France's magnetic gaze, England caught sight of him still tapping something in his peripheral vision. His whole body screamed _alert!_ therefore he instinctively flung himself towards his husband to snatch the diabolic item from his hands.

“What are you trying to hide!? Lemme see!” England whined, fighting with his now laughing lover as he attempted to get a hold of the device. “France!!”

“Try and get it!” France challenged him, as he managed to escape England’s grasp to stand back on his feet and put some space between the two of them.

“What _is_ it!?” England insisted, rushing after France and easily reaching him. “C’mon, we never had secrets for one another!”

“I sent a dick pic to Russia.” France offered, stopping abruptly his running away to stare at his husband, just as England was about to corner him against the door. England froze on the spot and regarded attentively his lover.

“That’s not true.” He deliberated eventually.

“No, it isn’t.” France confirmed, grinning widely to his husband before shaking him off only to have England resume his chase after him.

After flipping most of the furniture inside the room and damaging irremediably both the carpet and the rugs France had put over the annoying carpet in order not having to see it daily, England managed with success to pin a giggling France supine to the bed and steal from his hand the bloody device.

“Here, let’s see…” England said, as he unlocked the phone and brought forward the last messaging application France had been using. “Grumpy Sauerkraut?” He read aloud, before staring back at his lover. “Is this Germany?”

“ _Oui_. We do have a European meeting tomorrow.” France confirmed, still unable to stop laughing.

“You could have told me it was work-” England started to reprimand France, before he realised that something in France’s attitude plainly spelled that it wasn’t work they had been talking about. He opened the conversation, then, and scrolled up quickly to read it from the beginning. “Oh, God.” Was all that came out from England’s mouth as France simply burst in peals of laughter.

“France, have you honestly asked Germany if you could appear to the online meeting dressed up as a Roman senator?” England’s voice sounded plain and void of emotion, as he tried to convey his complete lack of hope to even attempt understanding what crossed his husband’s mind.

“He honestly believed I was serious, do you imagine that?!” France managed to acknowledge in between the fit of laughter. “At a certain point he also declared that it was a _sensible_ proposal!! A proposal that _expressed an honest intent to celebrate an important moment in history_!!”

“Well, the Ides of March was that time when Caesar was killed, wasn’t it?” England reminded himself. “You can’t really blame him to believe that you were serious.”

“Oh, c’mon, _Angleterre_!” France stopped laughing only to pout at his husband. “Without Caesar _my mother_ wouldn’t be born, why would I ever _want_ to celebrate his death?”

“You’re not really wrong on that.” England admitted, sitting more comfortably on France’s lower belly as he kept reading on. “Gods, your arguments to support his thesis are even weirder than the thesis itself. The Roman Empire as a new base to define Europe?? And he even told you that he would think about it!”

“Well, if Europe is made by all the territories Grandfather annexed, it means-”

“I won’t.” England simply cut France short before he could go too forward with his daydreams.

“C’mon, _Angleterre_!!” France whined, childishly kicking on the soft mattress in annoyance and in doing so making both of them bounce slightly with the sudden movement.

“I’m not getting back to Europe when all you are doing is accusing me of breaking the agreements!”

England crossed his arms on his chest and pouted at his lover, who stopped his tantrum to rise an astonished eyebrow at him.

“ _Angleterre_ , I’m sorry to break it to you, but you _are_ breaking the agreements.”

“So what? You do that on a regular basis as well!”

“Yeah, but I’m handsome~”

To France’s remonstration, England couldn’t really answer anything back, so he just resorted to uncross his arms and read some more of the awkward conversation France had had with Germany.

“Is it because you are handsome that you eventually involved him into choosing a background that went well with the senatorial dress?”

“I had ulterior motives to involve him in that, truth to be told.” France confessed, licking his lower lip both at the reminder of his mischief and at the too agreeable pressure on his loins of England’s weight.

England rose a suspicious bushy eyebrow at his lover and scrolled down the conversation some more, only to read about France revealing the joke to Germany and Germany blocking France in retaliation, probably to go and vent his anger over a beer or something. 

“What else have you done?” England asked him reproachfully, only to earn France laughing once again at the whole situation. England, then, tapped open the different texting apps he had downloaded on his husband’s phone and checked some other conversations, but nothing that he didn’t already know came up. Unless, wait... “What have you deleted?” He asked abruptly.

France’s smirk plainly challenged England to resume his previous attempts to extort the information directly from him, something that his husband was about to do just right when a notification popped up from a conversation inside an application France had previously hidden to the sight. England stared mouth gaping at the notification and then at his lover, who visibly swallowed in dread.

Before France could reverse their position and retrieve his smartphone, England hastily run to the other side of the room, promptly followed by his husband.

“C’mon, give it back!” France whined, as he successfully managed to corner England next to the armoire, only to have the English nation turning towards the wall so that France didn’t have any open access to get his mobile. “ _Angleterre_!!”

Instead of answering to his lover’s pleas, England fully opened the conversation to read it, only to have to crouch defensively on the floor as France started tickling his sides to molest him into returning the damn device.

“France!! Stop it!!” England eventually cried out, in a mix of frustration and giggles.

“Surrender to France and give up the damn smartphone first!” France insisted, though, only to earn England curling almost into a ball in order to escape the sheer torture.

“Never!!”

To England’s determination France answered changing his choice of attack, and simply moved over his husband to hold him in his arms and tease the nape of his neck with kind kisses. The change in ministration made England groan, as he slowly allowed himself to be coerced into the mood.

As he noticed France’s hand slowly nearing to his target, though, England crushed his lips against France’s and took his lower lip in his mouth, nibbling, licking and sucking on it until he was certain to have completely distracted France from his initial purpose. Safe in the knowledge that he had basically succeeded in winning over his husband, England draped his arms around France’s neck and deepened the kiss, waiting until his lover reciprocated and attempted to take control of the kiss like he usually did before unlocking his smartphone from behind his shoulders and read up the new conversation.

Simply skimming through the beginning of it, however, made him choke inside the kiss, something that easily gave up to France what he had been doing literally behind his back.

“You’re a dick, _Angleterre_!” France reprimanded him, pinning with a swift move England beneath him with his arms blocked wide open, so that he couldn’t keep reading even if he attempted it. “You were reading my texts on my smartphone while I was kissing you!”

“ _You_ were the one who started cuddling and kissing me in the attempt to get it back!” England complained, only to be glared by France.

“ _Angleterre_. You were reading. _My_ texts. _On my_ smartphone.” France enounced slowly, allowing the meaning of what he was saying to sink in.

“Well, you could have just told me.” England protested in self-defence. “You usually do it without any prompt.”

“Yeah, but since I’m not blocking all the imports of your vaccine, I had to find something else to annoy you.”

“Fair point.” England could only acknowledge, before smirking up at his husband. “Are you not going to tell me about the group you named _My darling cousins_ , then?”

“Oh, are you interested in that?”

“Quite. Especially since the message _The world’s hottest Big Brother just created this group_ was right above _Spain just left the group_. Didn’t you have another group with the rest of your family?”

“It’s not my fault Spain always leave as soon as I create those groups.” France pouted to his lover. “Romano does the same thing, usually. This one time he decided to stay just because Italy backed me up.”

“On what?” England’s question was answered only by France’s evil grin. “C’mon, France.”

“You didn’t read that far, did you?” France teased, earning only a loud groan from his lover, who soon attempted to unlock one-handedly the smartphone once again to keep on reading. Unfortunately, it really was too far to allow him to read properly whatever was written on the screen, therefore, after a while, he simply gave up focussing on it and simply glared up at his husband.

“C’mon!”

“What will you give me in exchange for that?”

“My ass.” England deadpanned, making France chuckle at the seriousness of his offer.

“Something that’s not already mine or that you won’t give me anyway~”

England groaned at France’s teases and attempted unsuccessfully to tug his arm towards him.

“Fraaaance!!” He eventually just resorted to whine as he struggled to wriggle free from France’s hold.

France stared at his husband’s vain attempts to get free for some more before simply releasing England, much to the English nation surprise.

“Read ahead.” France graciously allowed, earning England’s suspicious risen eyebrow on him as soon as he sat up to level with him. He followed through with the reading, though, only to damn himself soon after.

“Oh, God.” England commented, slapping the hand that wasn’t holding France’s phone on his forehead. “You suggested _them_ to appear dressed as Romans?? And with all the setting you extorted from Germany.”

“I _told_ you I had ulterior motives for the background debate.” France boasted, taking his chance to drape himself around England. “Now imagine Germany’s face when he sees it!”

“Well, we’ll just have to see it tomorrow, I guess.” England muttered, allowing himself to be effectively distracted by France’s cuddles now that he had finally understood what the hell had been going on.

“You brexited, _mon cher_ , _I_ will be the only one to see them.” France‘s words were received with only an annoyed groan by his husband.

“Oh, c’mon France! They _know_ I’m going to be in the same room!”

“This doesn’t mean they can actually _see_ you being there!” France attempted to be reasonable, but his lover was having none of it.

“Shut off the camera, then!!” England insisted, pushing France slightly away from him to properly stare at him. “You involved me until this point, you can’t really back off when we’re seeing the end of it!”

“In all honesty, _you_ are the one who involved _yourself_.” France pointed out, before letting out a strained chuckle as he noticed England plainly pouting at him. “Well, I think that after the prank I pulled on him, having you assist at the European meeting won’t really be a bother to Germany.”

France offered then a chaste kiss on England’s lips together with his promise, kiss that was soon interrupted as an alarm started off from France’s phone.

“Oh. It's the 15th of March.” France noticed, retrieving his smartphone from England’s hands to shut it off. 

“Why have you put an alarm to tell you when it’s March the 15th?” England enquired. “Has it something to do with the prank on Germany?”

“Ah, no, that’s something about you to be honest.” France explained, smirking sheepishly at his lover.

“Me?”

“Yeah, from today I’m going to suspend all the imports of your vaccines for a couple of days!” France confessed, talking as quickly as he could before bolting hastily outside their room, hoping to find a place in which he could hide that England wasn’t about to find too soon.

The English nation, on his end, just stared blankly some moments at the space France had vacated before the actual meaning of his lover’s words dawned on him and anger quickly rose up, as he hastily rushed after the bloody git who he’d had the misfortune to marry.

“FRAAANCEEE!!”

* * *

The next day, as the EU meeting was just about to start, England sat down docilely on the floor right next to France, so that he could keep an eye on his husband’s laptop without the rest of the European Union noticing him right away.

Somehow, despite maintaining France still blocked on the application they had been using to text the night before, Germany looked much more relaxed than he ought to be, at least in the two husbands’ opinion. France put himself on mute then, in order to complain with his lover at Germany’s behaviour. As the Romance nation noticed Italy joining the meeting, though, he was quick to tell his husband to be ready to stand up as soon as the prank was set in motion to have a better view of the debacle.

Just to be sure that nothing could go wrong, he opened once again his microphone in order to get Germany’s attention back on the meeting still just about to start, and chatted privately with the two Italies to make sure that they had actually followed through his plan.

As soon as he had convinced his cousins that –even though France had not showed himself in full roman attire as well- the whole ordeal was still a wonderful idea, France took a firm hold of his husband’s shoulder to signal him to get ready to stand up as soon as the two Italies activated their camera.

As the two Romance nations appeared in all their Roman glory and England slowly peeked at the scene from behind France’s shoulders, all the European nations plus England could see Germany’s face rapidly changing a whole set of different shades of colour. Pale white shock, greenish dread and pitch-dark embarrassments were just a few of the hues that came to colour the German nation’s expression before it simply set to angry red fury.

The deep silence he and the whole assembly had fallen in, though, didn’t last much, since it was soon filled with loud yells, Germany's voice booming from the computer's speakers thankfully loud enough to cover both England and France’s snickers.

"ITALIAAA!!!"

* * *

**The end**


End file.
